guy goes to bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast? " The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had. " The bartender says, "What do you have? " The guy says, "75 cents. "

guy walks into the bar lol

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place! " he shouts. The bartender obliges. Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket. The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again. " Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave. "Guy says "Well.... I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beautiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them! "Third wish... I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!! "

salesman

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity. "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. " "One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

handcuffs lol

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh? "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor? "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog? "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven. "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. "Just how big were those two beers? "In God we trust, all others are suspects. "

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir ".
The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea. "
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir. lilzz

guy arrives

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in. " The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen? " "Er.. about two minutes ago. "

blonde redhead

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow ", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat "He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof ". The cop says, "its only a dog ". He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato "

Blond guy

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?! "

customer services

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me. "