Blonde aurhead lol

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please? "The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22! "The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please? "The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two! "This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please? "The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY! "The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name? "Ohhhh, that! " replies the airhead... " I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

Two guys lol

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass? " The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. " And I said, "No shit. "

keep walking blonde lol

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail "."

Always work lolz

Always give 100% at work...12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work!

A man got lol

A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked "what was wrong? " She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. "Oh! " the man said, are you taking anything for it?"Yes ", she said - "black pepper! "

Rabbi and Priest

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God! "Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth. "The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God! "The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune. "The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi? "The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police. "

Republican VS Democrat

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

A british General lol

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be? " Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr! " General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds "Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir! "General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds " Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr! "General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky? "Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr! "

honey lol

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper. " "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal! " "I know all that. " "Then why did you invite a friend for supper? " "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married. "

Angry husband lol

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

istnt lol

"Isn't the principal a dummy! " said a boy to a girl."Say, do you know who I am? " asked the girl."No. "I'm the principal's daughter. "And do you know who I am? " asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness! "

A tourist .. lol

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained."Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied."The what, you say? " exclaimed the tourist."They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose. "

a blonde goes lol

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter? "
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. " "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest. "
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. "
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help? " "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too! "

A more blond lol

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders " and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders? "

it was mealtime lolZ

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner."What are my choices? " he asked."Yes or No," she replied."

as a seinor lolzzz

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful! " "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them! "

a little boy

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white? "His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life. "The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black? "

spring 1957

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat? "Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it! " Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her! "A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist! "

johnny homework

"Johnny, where's your homework? " Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that? " "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it! "

a husband was trying

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What? "

a blond decides

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

a blonde bragging

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them! "
Her friend said, "O. K. then, what's the capital of France? "
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F. "

one day teacher

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green " the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said," well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!! "

married 3 times

"I was married 3 times " explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull. " "That's a shame. " said his friend , "How did it happen? " "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms! "

three nuns

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines! "What did you do? " the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied. The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms! "Oh my! " gasped the other nuns. "What did you do? " they asked. "I poked holes in all of them! " she replied. The third nun fainted."

blond walks

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case! "